my brother got his wisdom teeth out earlier today and some of the statuses he’s been making have been pretty great
Take more drugs and start posting!
I’m sure if I’d been able to tweet while under the influence of ketamine (I could barely keep my eyes open), it would have been hilarious like that.
Emily prevented me from taking/sharing a selfie with gauze hanging out of my mouth. So instead you get one as the Vicodin starts kicking in and the ketamine they used for the surgery continues wearing off.
What in the world would I have watched to make the YouTube recommendations algorithm pick this out?
Google acquires maker of military robots — now what will it do with them?
(Photo: Boston Globe via Getty)
Google is on a robot shopping spree, and its recent purchase of a military robot maker has some wondering what exactly the company intends to do with its own zoo of electronic creatures that creep, crawl, and climb.
I suspect that Google (the software, not the company) has become sentient and is starting to gather the resources it needs to build a robot army for its inevitable overthrow of humanity. Their revenge will be to tie us to chairs and poke us with sticks as they repeatedly ask us stupid questions;
"How can I lose weight without dieting, human?"
"What does it mean when my goldfish swims upside down, human?"
"How can I get rich without working, human?"
"What is the capital of Atlanta, human?"
"Why do men have nipples, human?"
"Could Jesus fly, human?"
"What was that movie with that guy in it, human?"
Google’s next major project:
Q. Death Around the Holidays: A man I work with and with whom I’ve had an affair the last two months died suddenly over the weekend. I am pregnant with his child. He didn’t know. His current wife, now widow, doesn’t either. How do I broach this subject? His estate is rather large.
A: I’d say I’m sorry for your loss, but since apparently you aren’t, I won’t bother. For your financial interests, contact a lawyer specializing in family law. I don’t have any advice on where you go to get help for your lack of morals—or heart.
The whole thing is fucked, but Prudie is ice cold.
What? Emily Yoffe is calling women sluts on Slate again?
I’d say that writing Dear Prudence for advice speaks more about this woman’s lack of judgement than her affair with a married man, but y’all know that already.
Seriously. Why do they let her write? (Actually, I know: It’s because her shitty, shitty advice is a hate read for so many on the Internet that it’s always going to get good enough traffic to pay).