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I want to build more things than I do, write more than I do and play music more than I do. All opinions here are my own, unless they are correct, in which case they're likely stolen.
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    I dug this up randomly just now and yep, still hilarious

    17thsuitcase:

    audreyhepburncomplex:

    merricat:

    tilly-clark:

    jours:

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.


    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA
    10 months ago (Comments)
    1. elloelle reblogged this from fiddlersgreen
    2. somethingbeguiling reblogged this from szkageyoshi
    3. essentialoxygen reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    4. ponybraid reblogged this from jours
    5. ellebeezy reblogged this from nosferatued and added:
      timetakestime:megrocket:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours: Every year, English teachers from across the...
    6. aurevoirkatie reblogged this from timetakestime
    7. thoughtsanddreams reblogged this from nosferatued and added:
      Ugh. Doesn’t get better than this.
    8. nosferatued reblogged this from timetakestime
    9. timetakestime reblogged this from megrocket and added:
      Too great. Too. Great.
    10. szkageyoshi reblogged this from jours
    11. herculesandloveaffair reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    12. michaelnba1593 reblogged this from hyacinthgirl
    13. milkyfangs reblogged this from jours
    14. lakewater reblogged this from metalserver
    15. sore-thumbelina reblogged this from adeldelion and added:
      1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His...
    16. nocontext reblogged this from cosmic-dust
    17. fedelinii reblogged this from jours
    18. germaines reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    19. bottledjuice reblogged this from jours and added:
      eeeee! I GOOOT MY PROM DRESS FINNNAALLLY. ^^ thank...indecisiveness and then my horrible...
    20. walkwithoutrhythm reblogged this from linddaaa and added:
      These were my favorite hahahaha
    21. linddaaa reblogged this from jours
    22. viennastreets reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    23. sarahcjohnson reblogged this from theframe and added:
      Now imagine Craig Finn singing.
    24. creatrice reblogged this from mararose
    25. sillygirlwaves reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    26. noisyman reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    27. mararose reblogged this from myweightedwings
    28. shrinshee reblogged this from mmmcupcakes
    29. lattrayant reblogged this from ohmariel
    30. michellenose reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors...
    31. kellyinwonderland reblogged this from briand316 and added:
      HAHAHA. These are just fantastic
    32. octoberthirty reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    33. brithdaygril reblogged this from jeralyndwile and added:
      Haha, and I’m currently in High School getting to create these types of metaphors of my own!
    34. philish reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    35. arinlome reblogged this from tonguelash and added:
      i am laughing so hard i cant breathe right now. this actually makes me want to teach english.
    36. falloutof reblogged this from dylannord
    37. meagannnn-reblog reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    38. tonguelash reblogged this from dailyfiction and added:
      its been so long. most of these are pretty damn good. this is exactly what i love about writing, using metaphors to...
    39. chulzy reblogged this from mckena and added:
      holy fucking shit, this is hilarious. i had to reblog it so i could save it forever and use it for my essays rofl.
    40. yenners reblogged this from jours and added:
      because they’re creative. Too bad they are not very poetic. Number 7 cracks me up. Number 21 is there because it took...
    41. nadinator reblogged this from migueld and added:
      Holy fuck. I still can’t get over number 20. And 21.
    42. annakaterina reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Fellow school lit mag editors.. I just sent this to you. BE INSPIRED. :>
    43. everythingisilluminate reblogged this from sameoldcitydifferentname and added:
      audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours: Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their...
    44. justan reblogged this from sandinmymouth and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors...
    45. kevinslane reblogged this from whatson
    46. absinthe-suisse reblogged this from chemicalamplification
    47. blackbirdonthewire reblogged this from migueld
    48. tacopuff reblogged this from arseniccupcakes
    49. veektor reblogged this from whatson
    50. zavalamariana reblogged this from briand316 and added:
      This is ridiculously brilliant. I’m asking my english teacher if he knows about this.
    51. ienjoyedthat reblogged this from captainkirk
    52. bekahtheimpaler reblogged this from captainkirk
    53. innocuousbitch reblogged this from arseniccupcakes and added:
      mmmcupcakes: entrails:oh-yes:jours:...Never fails to make me smile.
    54. arseniccupcakes reblogged this from mmmcupcakes
    55. sandinmymouth reblogged this from dreamsofthesea
    56. dreamsofthesea reblogged this from briand316 and added:
      I was weak through this whole thing! Ahahahaha!
    57. briand316 reblogged this from mckena and added:
      Hahahahahaha, oh my. A-maz-ing!
    58. mckena reblogged this from whatson and added:
      Ms. Kuper doesn’t like cliches so lets see how she feels when I use these.
    59. carolineindustries reblogged this from grilled-cheeese and added:
      This is really great. I can only aspire to the heights of these poetic geniuses.
    60. chemicalamplification reblogged this from captainkirk
    61. goodnightmoon reblogged this from jours
    62. summerwars reblogged this from itmakesyounormal
    63. mmmcupcakes reblogged this from captainkirk
    64. itmakesyounormal reblogged this from captainkirk
    65. captainkirk reblogged this from grilled-cheeese
    66. grilled-cheeese reblogged this from jours
    67. immejen reblogged this from jours
    68. icaruswild reblogged this from srsly and added:
      HAHA This is exactly how I write in my essays and my teacher always writes smartass on the top of my papers, but I get...
    69. amaranthinedecay reblogged this from hannahbanena
    70. trepanationparty reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    71. seymourjahosaphat reblogged this from jours
    72. whatson reblogged this from jours
    73. hannahbanena reblogged this from jours
    74. dancingsagittarius reblogged this from abfabsolutely and added:
      Haha, I’ve always liked the one about the underpants.
    75. hegs reblogged this from bkherman
    76. thirty3 reblogged this from jours
    77. bkherman reblogged this from jours
    78. alysonhere reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    79. andrewcominelli reblogged this from markvigeant and added:
      7, 8, and 9 make for a great trio. 16 is also great.
    80. jessical reblogged this from jours
    81. metalserver reblogged this from subvert22 and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors...
    82. strokesandsunshine reblogged this from samdesantis
    83. kenshiles reblogged this from sinkships and added:
      number 9 makes me laugh
    84. silouan reblogged this from jours
    85. markvigeant reblogged this from jours and added:
      Gah! Jeopardy’s...for another 30 minutes? How Surreal!!
    86. mollierae reblogged this from jours
    87. sinkships reblogged this from fizzzzy
    88. aldina reblogged this from jours
    89. notso-darling reblogged this from fizzzzy and added:
      This is hilarious.
    90. maddiehope reblogged this from fizzzzy
    91. daniravonk reblogged this from jours and added:
      Oh wow! This is pretty awesome.
    92. pharaoh reblogged this from jours
    93. jenniferkelly reblogged this from fizzzzy
    94. aminamania reblogged this from andtheyflew and added:
      audreyhepburncomplex: merricat: tilly-clark:...Every year, English teachers from across...
    95. fizzzzy reblogged this from jours
    96. andtheyflew reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      merricat:tilly-clark: jours:...ROFLMAO. #9 is my fav!
    97. lrm reblogged this from jours
    98. endlessava reblogged this from jours and added:
      lmao i can’t believe kids write stuff...this! this kinda talent
    99. heymoonx reblogged this from peterwknox
    100. nussbaum reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    101. This was featured on Tumblr Radar
    102. dylannord reblogged this from featherpluckn
    103. fiddlersgreen reblogged this from featherpluckn and added:
      joshawesome: 1: 2: 3:4: 5: 6: 7: 8: jours:...I love this list, so much.
    104. iwantamcasian reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      THIS WAS BY FAR ONE OF THE MOST AMAZING THINGS EVER LIKE MIND BLOWING SEX ON AN ELEVATOR AND PUTTING YOUR CLOTHES BACK...
    105. liveinjusttoday reblogged this from phatlip
    106. molokovellocet reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    107. amandatong reblogged this from mollybierman
    108. glammaster reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    109. mollybierman reblogged this from princessl
    110. lookscanbedeceiving reblogged this from meaghano
    111. shinn7755 reblogged this from srsly
    112. andrewmatias reblogged this from seashelby and added:
      These are all really funny but I especially like numbers 3, 7 and 16 :) jours: Every year, English teachers from across...
    113. isay reblogged this from shorterexcerpts
    114. bjorns reblogged this from migueld
    115. fragilemacabre reblogged this from srsly
    116. itsnotgood reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    117. alexiagrace reblogged this from srsly and added:
      HAHAHHAHA. People are stupid.
    118. nattles reblogged this from retuta and added:
      this made me laugh out loud. i nearly cried.
    119. rorrimehtni reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    120. happinessislenashaped reblogged this from seashelby
    121. samdesantis reblogged this from srsly
    122. phatlip reblogged this from nicerthanyouraverage
    123. abfabsolutely reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      Proxies should pass these out to all the poor teenagers with primordial soup test brain. Spring is state-mandated...
    124. allydavis reblogged this from urbanredneck
    125. midnight-radio reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      jamiek:17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:...know this has had...
    126. sunkyu reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    127. blknbreeze reblogged this from srsly
    128. thedarkhearts reblogged this from asiapersuasia
    129. todaylour reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    130. kadehydrated reblogged this from urbanredneck and added:
      thing would make me want to be...English teacher.
    131. upisdownx reblogged this from srsly
    132. susurrations reblogged this from jours
    133. imlouise reblogged this from srsly
    134. lydialouwho reblogged this from twothirty
    135. srsly reblogged this from migueld
    136. chasingdownthesunset reblogged this from jours
    137. lisaahh reblogged this from peterwknox
    138. callmepaul reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      Every single one of these is a simile (NOT a metaphor), with the exception of number 21. In addition, this is only 23....
    139. mindymae reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      These are amazing!
    140. poeticshadow reblogged this from urbanredneck
    141. dailyfiction reblogged this from twothirty
    142. fauxchenaux reblogged this from jours
    143. myweightedwings reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      Most of these are similes…but that’s okay.
    144. oldflowers reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    145. farcical reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      urbanredneck:peterwknox:jamiek:17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:
    146. talby reblogged this from jeralyndwile and added:
      25 Actual Metaphors Found in HS English Essays
    147. gracey reblogged this from retuta and added:
      #11 is my favorite
    148. laughinearlydied reblogged this from cosmic-dust and added:
      stonedsleep:ayoungpioneer:veronique:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:
    149. lindsaydinkins reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      I’m sure I’ve written some well-versed (HA!) metaphors through the years.
    150. thecarnivorouscarnival reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      7, 16, 17 & 21! Oooh, yes…
    151. rynarrates reblogged this from twothirty
    152. binch reblogged this from peterwknox
    153. bowlsby reblogged this from jeralyndwile
    154. abandonhope reblogged this from februaryfebruary and added:
      I’m only putting my favorites here. If you must see the whole lists, hit up on of these:
    155. retuta reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      Oh god, some of these are brilliant, and — as a reading major in college — I figured some of these writers used these...
    156. karlis reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      The best part about going back to the high school is visiting my English teachers and listening to their horror stories...
    157. shorterexcerpts reblogged this from urbanredneck
    158. grapefruite reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      These are great - so creative.
    159. emilycann reblogged this from myownmelt and added:
      23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
    160. nicerthanyouraverage reblogged this from twothirty
    161. ck1 reblogged this from peterwknox
    162. jeralyndwile reblogged this from myownmelt and added:
      23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
    163. catprism reblogged this from cosmic-dust
    164. zacharybinks reblogged this from ledenes
    165. bikerfish reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      jamiek:17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:...This is what...
    166. myownmelt reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      I can really relate to #11, as you’ve noticed through my numerous Jeopardy-related laments Also - this list made my life...
    167. ledenes reblogged this from twothirty and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections...actual...
    168. cosmic-dust reblogged this from noesgoes and added:
      ayoungpioneer:veronique:merricat:tilly-clark:jours: Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit...
    169. twothirty reblogged this from urbanredneck and added:
      incredibly awesome—especially, numbers 20, 17,
    170. hellonewworld reblogged this from peterwknox
    171. februaryfebruary reblogged this from urbanredneck and added:
      peterwknox:jamiek:17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:
    172. migueld reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      except for 21, these are all examples of simile. get your fucking rhetorical devices right goddammit.
    173. urbanredneck reblogged this from peterwknox and added:
      jamiek:17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:
    174. saidmichael reblogged this from marco
    175. peterwknox reblogged this from jamiek and added:
      17thsuitcase:audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:...Every year, English...
    176. noesgoes reblogged this from ayoungpioneer
    177. asiapersuasia reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      I laughed out loud after basically all of these!
    178. rewbog reblogged this from jamiek
    179. thisishowwedoit reblogged this from itsfridayiminlove
    180. jamiek reblogged this from 17thsuitcase
    181. itsfridayiminlove reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      I hope these kids consider becoming mag majors
    182. helloniki reblogged this from jours and added:
      I can’t even vocalize how amazing these are…
    183. joeposner reblogged this from jours and added:
      reblog chain. because how can i resist?
    184. headmeetsand reblogged this from jours
    185. thepaperdollsla reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    186. no-big-deal reblogged this from 17thsuitcase and added:
      17 IS GENIUS. I think he went on to write for Law and Order: Criminal Intent.
    187. 17thsuitcase reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    188. webmarc reblogged this from marco
    189. nosleepwithoutdreams reblogged this from aristobrat
    190. migueld reblogged this from marco
    191. risely-evan reblogged this from jours
    192. ikorkh reblogged this from hitchcockblonde and added:
      I guess that a new Millennium demands new metaphors. 17 and 22 are my favourites.
    193. awina reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      HAHAAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAH, WONDERFUL!
    194. constantknot reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    195. ayoungpioneer reblogged this from veronique
    196. toocutebyhalf reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      merricat:tilly-clark:jours: Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual...
    197. offoreheads reblogged this from meaghano
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    200. dirrtymotel reblogged this from milkandbone and added:
      audreyhepburncomplex:merricat:tilly-clark:jours:
    201. meaghano reblogged this from marco
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    203. marco reblogged this from jours
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    207. dodgethewater reblogged this from acrossthelines
    208. acrossthelines reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Thought the writers following me would get a kick out of this :D
    209. alpalice reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    210. thisrevolution reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Hahaha so great.
    211. undetermined reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    212. emmmaa reblogged this from takeiteasylovenothing and added:
      hahahaha, this is classic.
    213. olivicat reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    214. megrocket reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      this made me laugh a million laughs
    215. smallpaw reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      OMG HAHAHAHAHHAH! OMG!!!! Tears are falling and I’m having stomach cramps. LOL this is HILARIOUS. Better than those I’ve...
    216. subvert22 reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    217. postmastergeneral reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors...
    218. vforvelociraptor reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    219. hyacinthgirl reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors...
    220. mrlovalova reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    221. leraine reblogged this from milkandbone and added:
      reblog of a reblog of a reblog until only one word fits into each line.
    222. harajukudays reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
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    224. sameoldcitydifferentname reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
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    226. milkandbone reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
    227. musicjanai reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex and added:
      My high school english teacher would blame Douglas Adams for at least some of these. audreyhepburncomplex:
    228. abbiealmasco reblogged this from audreyhepburncomplex
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    236. jours posted this
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